Misleading Advice
For anyone who has ever said, “You shouldn’t care what people think,” I have some serious pushback. Overall, I get it. I get the sentiment that’s trying to be pushed forward. But are we really not supposed to care what anybody thinks about us?
I am all in favor of originality, paving your own path, and sticking it to the status quo. And I personally try to live out these measures on a daily basis. However, as empowering as that all sounds, I’ve come to realize that this mindset doesn’t really play out in the real world.
The truth? We don’t live in a vacuum. We have real communities, real relationships, and real networks we’re all part of. We can simply not afford to just ignore the role this circumstance plays in our every-day life.
So with that I say…
…You shouldn’t care what everyone thinks about you, you should care what the right people think.
The Problem With Ignoring Everyone’s Opinions
As independent as we may be, complete independence is an unrealistic and faulty premise.
Society is built upon feedback loops—a system of cause and effect, leading to adjustment, and then a new action, all with the conscientiousness of how the previous cause/effect action had played out.
Think about how long this has been going on for—man sees fire, man touches fire, man gets hurt, man don’t touch fire.
What does this look like in some modern day examples? Here’s a couple, from micro to macro examples:
- You are baking cookies and add too much salt. Next time you make cookies, you pay more attention to how much salt you add and you get a better result
- You deliver a presentation at work and don’t have enough material to cover the full 20 minutes. Next time you give a presentation, you’re going to know it’s better to have more and cut then to not have enough.
- You make a harsh joke at the expense of a friend and they tell you they didn’t appreciate it. Sure, you might have found it funny, but ideally you value that friendship more than a few laughs. You know better for next time.
As much as we don’t like to admit it, some social norms do exist for a reason. They define accountability, professionalism, and respectful behaviors. That’s why as much of a “lone wolf” you identify as, the idea of someone succeeding entirely alone is false.
Why Caring What the Right People Think is Actually Smart
We are just human when we boil it down. And one of the natural flaws of humans is the trait of stubbornness.
I undoubtedly admit that I often fall victim to the shackles of stubbornness. And if you say you don’t… my friend, you might just be actively proving yourself wrong.
Why do I bring up stubbornness? Because with this behavior it is easy to throw up blinders to the rest in order to justify whatever it is you’re doing (why would you be doing something if you thought it was wrong?). And with that, mentors, parents, close friends, or role models can start to see truths you can’t.
As mentioned before—we NEED this feedback in order to learn and accelerate personal growth.
As I have learned, sometimes these are hard conversations to have, either as the one giving the feedback, or the one receiving the feedback. It’s these types of deep and meaningful conversations that show how much you really care/are cared about. With time, this is what improves trust, deepens connection, and becomes a net positive for both parties.
As the person receiving the feedback, assume that person has your best interests at heart and are only saying something because they want you to live up to your full potential. Even if you think what they’re saying is complete hogwash, at least do them the service of hearing them out and try to think how you’d be reacting if the roles were reversed.
How to Choose Whose Opinions Matter
Ideally, you have a somewhat strong inner circle of 2-5 people that are absolutely in your corner. If you don’t quite just yet, stay tuned for a future post about finding this circle.
For now, ask yourself:
- Does this person truly want the best for me? Evidence this with past examples.
- Do I respect this person’s judgment?
- Have they shown honesty, not just flattery?
- Are they celebratory in my successes and supportive in my losses?
- Do they live a life that aligns with my values and/or goals?
Now, some people you should probably not listen to:
- Anybody you answered ‘no’ about in the above questions
- People on the internet
- People projecting their own insecurities
- Direct competitive acquaintances (not always the case, but be weary)
- Anyone who doesn’t know your values, goals, or context
Personally speaking, my inner circle includes my parents, my sisters, and some long-term friends. I know, no matter the situation, I can call on them to be 100% open and honest with me, as I can be with them.
Caring, Without Losing Yourself in the Process
As I briefed upon in an earlier section, opinions are signals, not necessarily commands. You do have free will and you don’t have to do anything anybody tells you to.
What I am trying to say with all of this is you are not looking for permission from others, but rather collecting necessary data in order to improve. You want to be able to take their input, and use that in a positive way, whether it’s exactly what they proposed or not.
You need to still balance your internal compass with external perspective. The best decisions are often the greatest sum of what you want + what trusted people think. This equation is what starts to refine your identity, not abandon it.
Just because you are weighing in what the right people think does not in any way mean that you are just conforming or doing what others think of you to do. Like anything, using impactful feedback/data is what allows you to progress, advance, and, ultimately, get what you want out of this life.
Final Thoughts: The Goal Isn’t to Please, It’s to Grow
Life after college is a balancing act, as I’ve come to learn. Work and pleasure, risk and comfort, you need a good mix of both and finding that mix is what we’re all trying to do.
One of these equilibriums to calibrate is authenticity and refinement. How do you stay true to who you are, what you believe in, and where you want to go while taking into account constructive criticism and reality checks along the way?
The goal isn’t to people please, it’s to grow. But growing doesn’t happen alone, whether you think it does or not.
So, yes, I wouldn’t try to care about what everybody thinks about what you’re doing, where you’re going, or how you plan to get there. But definitely leverage what those who matter to you think.
Care selectively. Listen intentionally. And keep becoming the person your future self will respect.
That’s life after college. And that’s all part of writing your story.
—Will
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