The Far Too True Reality of Friends After College
You’re out in the world now by yourself. But that’s the problem—you’re by yourself.
You see it happen. That world you left behind starts to fall quiet… group chats die down, close friends move to different cities, everyone seems busy when you try to reconnect, etc.
So then you’re faced with the daunting task of making new friends, at risk of becoming a hermit and dying alone. 😬
Ok, maybe a little dramatic but that’s because sometimes it feels that way.
Trust Me, I’ve Been There
I was lucky enough to move to a new city with one of my best friends which helped a lot. But even then, a few months into the move I noticed I was having a hard time meeting my group of people. I started relying on him to provide these friends.
I’m grateful I had them, but something always felt slightly off. They weren’t really my friends—they were friends of a friend.
I never realized how much I took having friends and friend groups in college for granted until ACTUALLY graduating and moving away from home. People in my life that I was just accustomed to being there were no longer. And all I was trying to do initially was replace these people, not necessarily meet new people.
If adult friendships feel harder, heavier, or more confusing to you too, that’s not a personal flaw. There’s a predictable transition rooted in identity shifts, lifestyle changes, and the fact that your 20s introduce more variability between people than any other phase.
So let’s talk about the real reasons it feels this way (the ones people don’t usually say out loud) and then let’s break down how you can actually build a social circle again.
The Common Reasons Friendship Gets Hard After College
1. You Go from 100 to 0 Almost Overnight
As mentioned in a The 3 BIGGEST Ways Life Transforms After College post, it’s easy to see how college friendships are developed. You’re all close in proximity, have similar schedules, common spaces, shared struggles and objectives (graduate college), amongst other things.
When you graduate, either you move to a new place or a lot of these friends move to new places. You no longer have that built-in ecosystem, and it’s very easy to get lost. And when things are easy to do, you tend to do them. I know this led me to feel alone, afraid, and left to question life decisions.
2. Everyone’s Schedules are Different
Most people fall into some variation of the 9–5… but even the subtlety of a friend working 8-5, or 10-6, or 7-3, or night shifts at a restaurant, becomes noticeable, and harder to plan to.
Then there are other parameters that need to be taken into account; commutes, relationships, early wake-ups, weekend commitments. It looks different for everyone, but there’s no longer the “Dining hall in 30min?” text being sent out.
3. There Becomes a Large Variance in Life Stages
I’ve noticed that being in your 20s is a wild time as far as how quickly certain milestones are progressed through.
I know people that are in their 20s and already have had 3 career shifts. I also know people in their 20s that are married and own a house. I know people starting their own business, others that are traveling all over the world, and some just on the so-called “normal” track.
I have found that the hardships and difficult things in life are what bring people together. If you aren’t experiencing the same struggles, that empathy and support is harder to be established.
4. We Underestimate the Effort It Now Takes
With all of these elements circulating, we tend to take it as “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be”. You come home from work and feel drained, so you cancel plans or just accept that “tonight’s not the night”.
Nothing is going to just fall in your lap. It takes intentional effort to make friends as an adult.
More Reasons—Hidden Mental Barriers
1. Insecurity and the Fear of Being Judged
Not to say this didn’t exist during college, but it only amplifies after you graduate.
I think this has to do with the larger pool of people you are thrown in with now. I went to a very small college (~2,000 students) but even at larger schools, if you don’t accept an invitation or make an invitation at that moment in time, there’s a high chance of that opportunity coming up again. Out in the real world, if you have a good interaction and don’t exchange information, there’s a good possibility you don’t ever see that person again.
So why don’t we capitalize on those moments? We are afraid of coming off as desperate/needy, seeming awkward, or just being flat out rejected.
2. We Compare Our Lives to Social Media
When you scroll through your phone, it always seems like everybody’s got an awesome friend group that is full of life and energy. Those groups are doing cool stuff with their time and “escaping the matrix”.
Anything short of this appearance can feel like failure. The truth—most post-grads don’t have this group and if they do, it has taken a long time to cultivate.
How to Actually Make Friends as a Post-Grad
Alright, let’s get into the real meat and potatoes. How do I actually make friends after college?
1. Look in Existing Places
For a lot of people, their first instinct is to join this club, join this class, join this team, and on and on. Those things are great, but look to where you’re already spending your time.
The workplace is where most of use spend a majority of our day. I’m sure there are people that are trying to figure things out, just like you. They probably have hobbies, just like you. They have passions, just like you. Find what those things are.
Be warm. Be welcoming. If someone asks, “How was your weekend?”, don’t just reply, “Oh, it was good. You?”
Instead, give them some insight into what you actually did: “I enjoyed a nice day playing golf Saturday morning and then went to that new bar downtown later on. Have you been to [insert name of bar]? “
This response now gives them a couple things to latch onto. Maybe they play golf and you can start chatting about that. Maybe they have been to that new bar, or haven’t and inquire more about it. Either way, you are throwing out the line and seeing if they are biting the hook.
And this doesn’t have to apply just to your workplace. If you are at the gym a lot, introduce yourself to somebody and see what else they do. If you go to church, introduce yourself to someone and see where else you overlap. The conversation can start as simply as “Hey, I’ve seen you here a few times and just wanted to introduce myself.”
And then go from there.
2. Show Genuine Interest in People
To pair up nicely with the first point, show other people you have a genuine interest in them. Ask questions, and try to avoid leading the conversation back to you.
And even if you do, follow up or lead your statement with a question. In that first example above, you told the person you went to that new bar and then asked if they have ever been. Or you can say something like, “I thought it was a pretty cool spot with good drinks and reasonably priced. Not sure where you like to go out…”
And then you let them answer. Take mental notes of what they say and store it for next time you talk.
Saying something like “Hey, how did your sister’s wedding go?” or “Did you get to go to XYZ this weekend?” shows the person that the last conversation wasn’t just in passing but you actually listened to what they said. People remember these things and it builds rapport. They also feel like they need to reciprocate this level of attention.
3. Value Relationships with Like-Minded Individuals, Not Necessarily People Your Age
We tend to gravitate towards people our age because those are typically the people that we share commonalities with. And I totally get that and think it is a great place to start. But don’t count someone out just because they might be older or in a different stage of life.
I have realized that older people don’t think of themselves mentally as that much older than us. They don’t want to be treated like elders. They want to be treated like friends.
I’ve been able to make pretty solid friendships with older people because we’ve understood what we value and respect about one another. You might not be asking them to go bar clubbing with you, but throwing out “I would love to grab a drink sometime” is not really a crazy ask.
4. Don’t Search for a “Best Friend” per say, Have Different People for Different Things
I would say most of us have had friends in life that you can just hang out for hours on end and go from one thing to the next. Often we get in the mindset if someone is not like that, then they really shouldn’t put effort into the relationship at all. False.
Instead, have individual friends for certain activities. Have your friend you primarily go and play golf with. Have your friend you primarily watch football with. Have friend you share music with. There is nothing wrong with having this level of companionship.
These different friends will build up your “friend portfolio” and help to relieve the pressure of needing everything in one person.
You should really value those connections with people you can just hang out with and make sure you maintain those because that’s very hard to come by. But also, I’m sure those people in your life became so prominent because it started with one connection doing one specific thing together. And then just grew from there.
5. Be the One to Initiate Plans
This is the part that those hidden mental barriers kick in.
More often than not I’ve realized, if you have a good conversation and feel a connection with someone, they probably are feeling similar. But, still nothing gets done and it fades. They too probably don’t want to come off as desperate, awkward, etc. So do yourself a favor, be the one to reach out and make the plan.
Here are some examples of messages after you’ve developed a connection after a few interactions:
The moral of the story is, somebody has to take the first step. And if they really don’t want to hang out, they’ll respond saying they’re busy and maybe suggest another time (also, maybe not and that’s ok too). No big deal. Just respond back politely and pat yourself on the back for making the effort.
What Healthy Adult Friendships Should Look Like
As we’ve discussed, the older you get, the way friendships look shift. So with that, I wanted to share what I’ve noticed healthy adult friendships look like.
1. Sticking to Plans
I totally understand that life gets in the way at times and there’s been plenty of times I have needed to cancel last minute on seeing a friend. With that being said, do not become the person that always has a reason to why they can’t hang out.
If there are plans being made, be direct with whether you can make it or not. Do not say ‘yes’ because you don’t want to let anyone down and then end up changing at the last minute. Just say ‘no’ and then if you free up, then it’ll be a positive. If you really can’t make it, suggest another date that does work for you and make the effort to be there. It’s all about honest communication (funny how that works).
If you start getting a reputation as someone who flakes on set plans, you’re going to notice you stop getting the call. And that is not beneficial for anyone.
2. Effort from Both Parties
Along the lines as the first point, a friendship takes efforts from both parties involved. If you are the constantly the one that is falling flat, you’re going to notice a decline in that relationship.
Vice versa, if you’re the one who is constantly doing the invitations, and messages, and planning, reevaluate the situation and understand why you are putting in so much effort for someone that doesn’t seem to do the same.
I have experienced revitalization of certain friendships just from taking accountability and taking 20 seconds out of my day to send a quick text message. If you noticed you’ve been slacking, let that person know. They’ll appreciate the honesty.
3. Built Over Months, Not Weeks
In a modern world of Amazon packages showing up at our door in a day, we all want everything in an instant. But that’s not how it really works when it comes to friends.
Post-grad friendships overall see less exposure, so be wary of this. Small, consistent touches across a longer time period will allow for a strong relationship to develop without becoming dull or smothered.
Friendships are obviously important (hence this post), but also don’t derail your life or your values just to not be lonely. The test of time is a strong one and an important indicator of how close you really are to someone.
4. Low Maintenance
At the end of the day, friendships are supposed to add to your life: support, stress relief, general happiness. If having a friend becomes a net negative for you and your emotional well-being, you should not be friends with this person. Period.
Of course every situation is different, but good friendships should allow you to be yourself, enticing enough to want to put in effort, and overall very stress free. You don’t want to feel judged for everything you say and you also don’t want to feel like you need to pull everyone up. You should be elevating one another in some form.
Conclusion: If You’re Struggling, You’re Not Broken—You’re in Transition
You’re not meant to do adulthood alone, so don’t let anyone kid you.
For some people, social interactions are a piece of cake. For others, they’d rather pet a bear (and not the cute, cuddly cubs). Wherever you are, there are people in your exact same shoes.
If you haven’t found “your people” yet, there is no reason to panic. Unfortunately, it takes intentional effort, practice, and a good amount of failure too. But it becomes so worth it and you never know who you meet.
That person that you are nervous to get together on the weekend or meet up after work could be your best man/bridesmaid, the godparent to your child, or just someone you call when you don’t know what to do.
Whatever role they play, it will all reveal itself if you are able to follow some of these principles.
Making friends after college. It’s all part of this uncertain world we are part of. And it’s all part of writing your story.
—Will
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